I Can't
by MaryRussellgrl
Summary: Grissom is oblivious to Sara not seeing that she is troubled. A one night stand and a refusal push her over the edge...very nearly.


Grissom stood in the hallway reading a file. That gave me a chance to slip past him. For three days we all worked on a bus crash. Sleeping and eating little I was very nearly on the point of collapse, but I kept telling myself to keep going. Now my biggest problem was not letting Grissom see me on my fourth shift.

I slowly walked not making a sound seeing him concentrate on the paper in front of him. I stopped as he started to put the paper back in the file. My breath caught in my throat knowing at any moment he could see me and start yelling. He looked at something else and I began again to walk by him. Someone walked by me leaving a door open and I banged into it hitting my knee. Grissom started to move to look and I grabbed the door shutting it kneeling down breathing fast feeling my knee ache. I waited for a few minutes then I looked up seeing he was gone. Opening the door I peeked out both ways then I came out shutting the door limping down the hall.

"Sara!"

I stopped as Grissom called out to me. Closing my eyes I felt dread coming up my spine. His shoes made sounds as he walked over to me. Holding the file still he walked around to face me.

"Hey." I said, in a weak voice.

"You know what I am going to say."

"Um…yes." I said

"I need you to go check the tire again. I read the report and I don't think you did enough with the tire. I want the tread looked at and then another report done." He said, handing me the file.

I took it confused. He walked away oblivious to how terrible I looked.

Later he came back to the lab room I was in looking through blurry eyes at the tire. He shut the door walking over to me.

"Sara, have you gone home yet?"

"No." I said, winching as I said that.

"I am about to get very angry if you tell me you are on your fourth shift." He said, sternly.

"Then I won't say anything." I said

He did not say a thing for a moment. I avoided his stare knowing that he was about to erupt.

"Drop everything you have right now and leave the building. I will deal with you later." He said, calmly. I could tell he was mentally counting. He marched out the door shutting the door loudly.

I went home falling onto the couch. My coma like state did not let up until the next day. I ate an apple feeling my stomach settle. I came into work feeling the need to face Grissom head on. He sat in his office working as I came in shutting the door. He glanced up at me before going back to work.

"Sara, I am busy here." He said

"Sorry." I said, making my way to the door. He watched me leave then he shook his head going back to work.

Grissom came into the lounge seeing me eating an egg sandwich on the couch as I read through a science magazine. He poured some coffee and walked over sitting in front of me on the coffee table watching me. I looked at him eating a piece of sandwich.

He set down his mug on the table then he sighed looking back at me. I chewed waiting for him to talk.

"Did you want something?" I asked

"Did you get some sleep?"

"Yes and I am eating." I said, showing him my sandwich.

"Come by later and we will talk." He said, standing.

"I tried that earlier." I said

He looked at me before leaving. After shift I walked over to his door seeing it was locked. Sighing, I walked out to the parking lot seeing him walking to his car.

"Grissom!" I shouted

He stopped turning looking at me as I ran over.

"What do you need?" He asked "I was just about to go home."

"You said we were going to talk." I said, irritated.

"I meant come see me during working hours."

"I was working."

"Well you will have to see me tomorrow then." He said, going.

"You could make time for me now if you wanted to." I said

He stopped again turning to see me.

"Actually I couldn't. I am meeting someone for breakfast."

"Let me guess, Sophia." I said, wishing I hadn't said that out loud.

"Whatever I do outside of work is none of your business." He said, walking over to me.

"You think it's a secret?"

"You just got yourself a suspension for two days." He said

"Fine!" I said, leaving.

He watched me walk off flexing his jaw.

I slammed my door of my apartment and went into the kitchen grabbing a beer from the fridge opening it I took a long sip of it then I stared at it. I felt the rage explode in me and I tossed the bottle into the wall across from the kitchen seeing the glass shatter and beer streaking down to the floor. I opened up a cabinet and took out a large bottle of vodka.

Grissom ate some egg at the dinner table looking at the people eating around them. Sophia sipped some coffee looking at him. He looked out the window thinking. Sophia put down her cup looking at him.

"Gil?"

He blinked looking at her.

"You seem preoccupied."

"Sorry, I had a fight with Sara before I left work."

"Oh is that all?" She said, shaking her head, as she looked down at the half eaten omelet on her plate.

"She was out of line." He said, buttering some toast.

"What did you do?"

"Suspension."

"Good, it'll give her a chance to cool down."

"I wasn't very nice to her."

"She can't expect you to be at her beck and call. You have a life to."

He nodded eating some toast.

The next day he walked up the stairs to my place. I was hung over and sick. The doorbell went off as I spilled aspirin all over the living room floor. I threw down the bottle walking over the pills hearing them crunch under my shoes. I opened the door seeing him standing in his work clothes.

I eyed him leaning my head against the door wishing I had not spilled the pills.

"What do you want?" I asked

"To talk." He said

"What if I am not in the mood?"

"Then I will leave, but I think we should." He said, noting how pale I was.

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Sara, please?"

His pleading eyes caused me to give in. I slowly opened my door for him. He came in watching me walk to the spilled pills on the floor. I knelt down getting the bottle putting the pills inside. He closed the door walking over.

"What happened?" He asked

"I dropped them." I said

He knelt down helping then I stood going to the kitchen getting a glass of water. He walked over standing by the counter.

"Well?" I said

"I want you to talk to me." He said

I took one of the pills drinking water.

"Why should I talk since you never have time for me?"

"I have time now." He said

"All right," I said, putting my glass down to look at him. "Why are you being mean to me?"

"I didn't think I was."

"You don't even know I am alive half the time."

"I know your alive." He said

His cell phone started going off and I sighed walking past him. He reached out his hand grabbing my arm pulling me back.

"Grissom," He said, looking at me. "I'm busy right now. I will call you back….okay."

He hung up looking at me. I looked down waiting.

"Sara, I have a lab to run. You are not the only person that needs my attention. I do see you all the time even though you may not think I do."

"I can't work with you anymore. I want to move to dayshift." I said, walking past him to the living room.

He walked over looking hurt.

"Are you doing that because I won't flirt with you?"

I felt my eyes tear as I looked at him.

"I am doing it because I don't even think you care! I am doing it because I feel taken advantage of! Now get out!" I said, running to my bedroom crying.

Grissom looked at the closed door. I slid down to the floor hearing the front door close. He signed my paper to move to dayshift.

A month later he climbed out of his car locking it before walking to the lab. He looked over seeing me trying to unlock my car. Stopping he noticed how skinny I looked and I was paler than usual. I dropped my keys and cursed to myself trying to find them. When I got them I stood up seeing Grissom looking at me.

"Hey." He said

"Hey." I said, flatly.

He walked over stopping looking me over.

"Is dayshift going well?"

"Yeah." I said, looking at the keys in my hand.

"You going home?" He asked, wanting me to look at him.

"I am going out."

"Where?" He asked

I looked at him sighing.

"To a bar up the street."

"Oh." He said

"Well goodnight." I said

"Goodnight." He said, walking back to the curb looking back at me. I opened my door getting in watching him go inside the building.

Later Grissom walked into the bar up the street looking around the room. He saw me with a drink in my hand talking to some guy in the corner. I laughed watching the guy look over past me at something. I turned seeing Grissom then I looked back at the guy rolling my eyes.

"Boyfriend?" He asked

"No, boss." I said, taking a drink. I turned again seeing Grissom walking over to us. "What now?"

"Who is your friend?" Grissom asked

"Carl Rouge." He said, shaking Grissom's hand.

"What are you doing here?" I asked

"Looking for you." He said, taking the glass from my hand smelling it. "I am taking you home."

"I drove." I said

"You are to drunk to drive." He said "Come on."

I could see he was not going to budge. I walked out angry at Grissom. He took my arm going to my car. I got in looking over at him as he got in starting the engine.

"I think what you did in there was rude!"

"You were to intoxicated to drive." He said

"Ever hear of a taxi?"

He said nothing as he stopped at a light.

"So what, your stalking me now?"

"No, I am not stalking you. I felt that someone had to step in."

I sighed shaking my head.

"Do you have any food at your place?" He asked

"Why?"

"Do you?" He asked, looking over at me.

"No."

"Then you are going to my place."

I sat up glaring at him.

"Take me home!"

"No, Sara."

He turned down a road and I just looked out the window not saying a thing. He parked outside his house looking over at me.

"Get out of the car."

"No."

"Sara, get out of the car now."

I looked over at him then I opened the door getting out. He led the way up the stairs opening the door letting me in. I stood around watching him walk past going into the kitchen. He began to cook something and I walked around his living room looking at his pictures and books. He came out wiping his hands off with a dish towel.

I touched a book on his desk as he walked over.

"Coffee is ready."

I didn't say a thing.

"Are you hungry?"

I shook my head.

"Well when it's ready you should be."

Feeling tears going down my cheeks I kept my head down. He stepped closer moving my hair seeing tears.

"Sara."

I sniffed moving to his chest. He put his arms around me as I cried. My hands went to his shirt as I clutched him.

Grissom stood watching me sleep on his couch with a blanket over my body. He felt very concerned that I had been drinking and not eating and now sleeping was on the list. His phone went off making him move away so as not to wake me. I slowly moved to my side.

Grissom walked over sitting on the coffee table touching my head. I moved opening my eyes seeing him.

"Hey, I have to go in."

I sat up slowly touching my messy hair. Grissom watched me get my bearings.

"I didn't mean to stay here all night." I said

"It's okay. You were really tired."

I yawned pushing the blanket off as I stood up. Grissom stood looking at me.

"I called you in sick."

"Why?" I asked

"You need rest and food."

"I'm fine."

"Obviously you have not looked in the mirror." He said "I want you to stay here until I get back. There is leftover dinner for you warming in the oven."

"I can't stay here." I said

"Sara, I want to leave knowing that you're here and safe."

Slowly I nodded. He walked to the door turning to look back at me.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked

"You are crying out for help and I am the only one to see that."

He left and I felt alone again. I spent the time eating and sleeping. When he came home I was getting up again seeing him. He walked over as I stood up from the couch.

"I am glad your getting rest."

"I wasn't going to, but I was tired." I said, stretching.

"Hungry?"

"No, I ate before you came."

"Okay, want to watch a movie?"

"Sure." I said, sitting back down watching him get the remote. We sat apart watching a movie about space. I looked over at Grissom as he watched the TV. I marveled at his hair then I moved to his lips wishing he would kiss me. He lifted his hand up to his chin rubbing it looking over at me seeing that I was staring at him.

"Something wrong?" He asked

"I…" I said, stopping as I couldn't think of any reason why I would be staring.

His brow furrowed as he watched me trying to read my mind.

"I..was…thinking." I said

"About what?"

Swallowing I tried to think of something.

"I was thinking about….that I should wash my hair."

"Wash your hair?"

"Yes, it's been awhile." I said

He looked at my hair then back at the TV. Taking a breath I looked back at the TV.

Later he led me to the spare room on the second floor. I looked at the bed as he moved around.

"There are towels in the bathroom and I have shampoo in there for your hair." He said, smiling a little.

"Thank's." I said

"Well goodnight." He said, going to the door leaving.

I sat on the bed looking around the room. Moving in bed I sighed not being able to sleep. Getting up I went out to the bathroom next door hearing the TV on downstairs. Coming down I saw Grissom sitting up with his head back dozing as the TV lit the room.

He didn't move as I walked over looking at him. I leaned down taking the remote from his hand, but he moved opening his eyes seeing me. His hand went to mine holding the remote taking it from me. He placed it aside pulling me down on top of him. I gasped as he pulled me in for a kiss. I moved back looking at him feeling his hand go through my damp hair.

He stared at me and I moved to him kissing him back. Everything that I had been holding came out in that kiss. It grew intense as I put my hands on his neck and hair. His hands moved down my back to my legs holding me to him. Our breath became labored as he pushed me back into the couch. He made me feel alive for the first time. When his hand went up my shirt I lost it.

Grissom moved hearing his phone on the coffee table. He jumped a little noticing me laying on him. Remembering last night he put his hand to his head looking up at the ceiling. I moved hearing the ring of the phone. Below me was warm skin with a racing heart. I lifted my head seeing Grissom looking at me.

"Hey." I said

"Hey, ah….I have to get that." He said, trying to reach the phone. I moved so he could watching him sit up answering it.

Standing I stretched feeling so relaxed. Grissom hung up looking at me.

"Are you hungry?" I asked, happier.

"Ah….sure." He said

"I can make pancakes." I said, walking into the kitchen. Grissom stood rubbing his head walking over to the kitchen. He watched look around for things then turn smiling at him as I set everything I needed on the counter. "My mother made these for us every Saturday."

"Sara?"

"Do you want waffles instead?" I asked

"No….maybe….I don't know." He said

"What's wrong?" I asked, looking at him with concern.

"What happened last night….should not have happened."

I dropped the butter into the bowl looking down.

"It is not your fault. I got carried away and…it just went overboard."

I stood there a second before quickly going out of the kitchen up the stairs to the spare room. Grissom ran up seeing me getting my things.

"Sara, will you listen to me?"

"Why? I think saying it was a mistake say's it all." I said, getting my shoes on as I ran out holding my clothes. He ran down the stairs following me to the door.

"Sara!"

I stopped looking at him.

"Leave me alone!" I said, my voice cracking. I grabbed my keys from the table next to the door running out leaving him. I got into my car crying. How could I have been so stupid?

Grissom walked into the lab two weeks later seeing the new day shift supervisor Harry Ogan walking over to him.

"Hello Gil."

"Hello, how is day shift?" Grissom asked, opening his office door.

"That is what I want to talk to you about."

"Have a seat." Grissom said, as he put his brief case on the desk then he leaned against it facing Harry.

"What is the problem?" He asked

"The problem is Sara Sidle."

Grissom froze looking at him.

"Gil, she has been calling off saying she has a bad cold. When she does come in she looks almost gray. I asked her if she was all right and she says I am fine."

"That is her favorite line. I have talked to her about it before."

"She is headed for a breakdown. I think she would listen to you."

Grissom sighed looking down at his shoes.

He walked down the hallway seeing me standing looking in at the lab technicians. He stopped looking at me seeing I was indeed off color and sick looking.

"Sara?" He called, walking over slowly. "Sara!"

I jumped looking over at him. His heart stopped as he saw that my eyes were very swollen from crying. I looked down then back at the window.

"Are you going home?" He asked

When I didn't answer he laid a hand on my arm. I wrenched it away looking at with fire in my eyes.

"Don't you touch me!" I shouted

Grissom looked around seeing some people looking at us.

"Sara, why don't we go to my office?"

"Stay away from me!" I shouted, before running down the hallway. He sighed walking down the way I ran. I sat in one of the shower stalls in the locker room shaking with new tears. He came in walking down the stalls till he saw me. He knelt down watching me move to the back away from him holding my face with my knees up.

"Your all right…I am not going to hurt you." He said, calmly.

I peeked out with one eye at him.

"Why don't you talk to me?"

I cried into my hands. Grissom just watched me not knowing what to do. He finally came in closer trying to help me. He reached over touching my hand. I lifted my head looking at him with swollen red eyes.

"Sara, I want to help you." He said, as he clasped my hand. "Please?"

I felt him help me up and then take me to his office. I sat down on his couch looking down as he came back in giving me a mug.

"No." I said

He sat down setting the mugs aside. He looked at me crossing his arms over his chest. I looked down at my hands. The silence was unsettling for me.

"Sara, I am concerned about you."

I made a sarcastic sound.

"You think I am lying?" He asked

I looked at him.

"I think you don't care about anything or anyone."

"That is harsh. I do care about my staff and you."

"I don't want to talk anymore." I said, looking down.

He watched me in silence again.

"When was the last time you ate?"

I didn't say a thing.

"Or slept?" He asked "How much are you drinking?"

I stood going to the door.

"You can only run so far until you collapse." He said

He sighed as I opened the door running out. The next day I called in sick. I looked at a pile of pills in my hand as I sat on the toilet. Coming out of the bathroom I put the pile of pills on the kitchen counter looking at them. A glass of water was put beside them.

You can do this…..The voice inside kept saying. A knock on the door made me jump. I walked over opening it seeing Grissom.

"Can I come in?" He asked

"Why?" I asked, flatly.

"Just a social call."

"I am busy."

"With what?"

"I….I am cleaning my house." I said

"I'll only be a minute."

I relented opening the door remembering the pills on the counter. He came in noticing I was fidgety looking over at the counter then at him.

"This is not a good time." I said

Grissom followed my gaze over to the counter seeing what I was nervous about. His eyes got wide as he walked over seeing the pile of pills and the glass of water. He looked back at me then at the pills.

"Can you go now?" I asked, opening the door.

He said nothing as he continued to stare at the pills.

"Please?" I asked

I looked down as he walked over taking the door knob from my hands and shutting the door looking at me.

"What are you doing?" He asked, his tone level.

"I said I am cleaning my house." I said

"Look at me." He said

I slowly lifted my head looking at him.

"What are those pills?"

"You can go now."

"I am not going anywhere." He said

I walked over to the counter turning as I hid the pills from view.

"Sara, this is scary." He said, walking over. "I'm going to call 911."

He got his phone out of his pocket and I slapped it out of his hand hearing it clatter onto the floor.

"I don't need anyone to help me because I don't need help!" I shouted

"Look at those pills and tell me you don't need help! You think I would just leave and let you do that?"

I looked at him as he put his hands on my arms looking worried.

"Sara, I know you are troubled, but this is not the answer. Honey, please think about that."

"You called me honey." I said, quietly.

He watched me wipe away tears forming. His hand went to my cheek.

"If you talk to me I promise I will not call 911."

I sniffed stepping closer to him putting my head against his shoulder feeling his arms around me. He led me to the couch sitting down as he held me against him.

"Did it really mean nothing to you when we….?" I asked

"I never said it meant nothing. I just didn't know what to do about it." He said

"Every day I look around and I see blank faces." I said "I feel nothing."

His head leaned against mine as he listened.

"I am sorry about what I said that day. I just felt as if I had done something wrong and I was confused." He said

I closed my eyes listening to his heart. He kissed my head putting his fingers through my hair. Sometime later I woke alone on the couch. Sitting up I looked around seeing him standing by the kitchen counter looking down at his phone. I stood making him look over at me.

"I fixed you something." He said

"I don't think I can eat." I said, walking over seeing that the pills and water had disappeared.

"I will not leave until I see you eat." He said

I sighed sitting on a stool. He put a sandwich in front of me. Picking at it looking inside seeing it was an egg sandwich. He watched me take a bite then look at the spot the pills were.

"I threw away the pills." He said "I will tell Harry that you will come back in two days. By then I expect you to have eaten and slept."

He walked past me to the door.

"Oh and Sara, I threw away all the beer and liquor in your cabinet."

I looked at him then the cabinets hearing the door shut.

Grissom went to work sitting at his desk thinking. He had made a mess of everything and now he needed to make it right.

I came back two days later walking to the locker room. Grissom came out of his office.

"Sara?"

I turned seeing him.

"Can you come here a moment?"

I slowly walked over noting how tired he looked.

"What are you doing here?" I asked

"Waiting for you."

He closed his door facing me.

"What's up?" I asked

He stepped closer lifting his hand slowly to my neck and cheek. I stared at him with wide eyes watching him come closer putting his lips on mine. My heart raced as he tilted his head deepening the kiss. I moved back looking at him.

"Grissom?"

"I have been thinking about you. I hurt you and that is not something I want to do anymore. I love you."

"What?" I said, stepping back.

"I love you."

"But….!" I said "You…can't"

"Why not?" He asked, coming closer to me.

"I am not any good that is why."

"You are good to me. I have been running from you because I knew you were the one, and I didn't want to face that." He said "Sara, I am ready to face that now."

I had to sit down. He watched me sit back in a chair and look at him in shock.

"This to much for me to take in." I said

He watched me stand and back away going to the door.

"There has been so many times I wanted you to say that, Gil Grissom, but I…can't."

He watched me leave quickly not looking back.


End file.
